First of all…it’s been hard 🙈
As an African girl, growing up being told that keeping yourself to yourself is the pride of a ‘well-trained’ woman. With that said, so many of my friends got pregnant after losing their virginity of which it’s considered an ’embarrassment or disgrace’. The struggles they went through after being rejected, condemned and losing their peace of mind helped me to maintain my mentality to stay in tact. Throughout my teenage years, of course I would feel the pressure and the temptation was too much at times. When you see people being open about losing their virginity and still living normal lives of course I thought to myself ‘just do it and you will be fine’🤔 But the resolution was quite strong that I never put myself in a position to lose my virginity.
When I eventually settled in another country, my eyes got more opened to more STDS that I never knew existed. In Africa, most common was AIDS obviously but upon reaching here found out that chlamydia is very much at large and can cause serious complications. So I had two things to keep my legs closed more than ever which were ‘teenage pregnancy and STDS’.
However, upon reaching my 20s I looked back at my relationships even though I had good memories, one factor that made them not to work was due to my inability to ‘open these legs’ 😂. Of course I really want to be loved unconditionally but that is just my wishful thinking 💭. Why can’t someone just wait till the right time for me?? That’s the question I have been asking myself and till now have not found the answer….
Watch out for Part 2👌🏽
Thank you for reading my lovelies xx
Here i am, thinking about the first time we met..am i too lonely or still in love? Call it confusion or denial but the truth is i miss you but i do not want you back. Since you left me emotionally and i left you physically, its been hard. Always thinking about the future that could have been, the past that was and the present without you. I know you think life has been good on my part but do not let the gram fool you. I sound cold every time you reach out but you have no idea how happy i get even from a ‘hey’…so pathetic aren’t I? My heart always falls for it but the thought of you being my past brings me back to reality. No matter how much we can try to talk, what was will never be! So at times i just comfort myself with memories you left for me and it does make me smile and cry at the same time. I have learned to live with this and it will get easier with time. As much as i miss you, I do not want you back. I just miss the good times you gave me and even the struggles. Even if we move on, it is still going to be our yesterday and story.
Do you guys ever have someone you miss but do not want back in your lives? Thank you for reading xx
‘ mental suffering or distress’
When all that is left after a disappointment of a relationship is Pain. You wonder whether crying at night or pretending to be happy will help you feel better. Always being bitter that you can’t be bothered to go through that process of knowing someone again. Even when you try to be positive but it can never be possible with a negative mind that has marked every guy to be a monster just out to hurt you with lies. If you ever love again, would it be different or will just be deja vu all over again. Even when you try to guard your heart, it seems like there is a manual that every guy you fall in love with reads that they end up hurting you the same way. The trauma of being lied to, ignored, being left out, cheated on etc leaves so many emotions that could possibly kill you.
“Scientific studies have shown that anger could increase your risk of cardiovascular problems and even cause heart attacks. This is because a sudden burst of anger leads to an over-the-top surge of chemicals throughout your body, like adrenaline and noradrenaline. Also, when your are angry your brain’s amygdale overact and causes the blood to rush to the frontal lobe, which is the area in charge of reasoning. This is the reason why anger can be blinding and makes you want to react violently.”
“Surprisingly, loneliness may be just as harmful as a sudden outburst of anger. As it tends to be long-tern condition, a lot like depression, it could even be a risk factor of early death, according to experts. Loneliness increases the levels of stress hormones like cortisol, which affects sleep quality. It can also give rise to your blood pressure levels. ”
“Shock or trauma of any kind can have lasting consequences on both your mind and body. In fact, psychological trauma can even cause changes in the structure of our brain, especially in the area where the frontal cortex. Emotional brains and survival brain converge.”
In life, there is only so much pain that one can take. Imagine losing your life and leaving that person behind, enjoying their life with another girl whom they are probably lying to worse if they are actually sincerely in love. I wonder how one can become numb to pain? Should I try to avoid boys in general or just be petty and hurt others like how i got hurt?
How do you guys deal with this kind of Pain? let me know xx Thank you for reading
I know I said goodbye first but I miss you. I cannot turn back the hands of time but I miss you. It hurts to live in pretence of being fine when I miss you. I have tried to move on, forget about you but I miss you. I am ashamed of myself for being like this but I miss you. I always hesitate pressing that green button in case you pick up and I won’t be able to hang up. There is plenty of fish in the sea but my heart only beats for one. At times it gets hard, the fear of never loving someone as much as I loved you. Others think am crazy but I miss you. Once in a while I try to check up on you and it gladdens my heart knowing you are fine. They say the one who gets left suffers but I think the one who leaves suffers the most. I hope in due time I will be over it.
I miss you…..
I got to admit life has never been the same since you decided to leave my life with no warning or goodbye. I still reminisce over the past, knowing that those days are gone for good. At the time, it seemed as if nothing could break us; like we were in it for life. As much as I would not want to go back to the way we were, at least am grateful to have known you and thank you for being in my life. I would like to apologise for hating you with everything in me, fake smiling every time I saw you, then curse at you in my heart. Since I have no idea why you left, I would like to apologise for the burden you carry of hating me. I have decided to move on from it all and just genuinely smile whenever I see you. I will never throw the memories away cause once in my life, there was you. Be happy wherever you go and let go.
Dear ex boyfriend
I hate the feeling of hating you. I don’t want to keep on feeling like am supposed to hate you. You came into my life; just the same I came into yours. You told me you loved me; just the same as I told you I loved you. We would argue; we would make up; we would laugh; we would cry together. It’s unfortunate that you broke the promise first and ended up hurting me. I was sad, hurt and felt the need to payback the pain you bestowed upon me. Now it’s been weeks,months,years and am still carrying the burden of hating you. Most of my relationships have failed because of the hate in my heart. I have tried to forget the pain but as soon as I close my eyes it dawns on me and I get to feel the pain just like it was yesterday. I am tired of carrying this burden in my heart therefore with all the strength I have; I Forgive You….☺
Your ex girlfriend
Since we already knew distance was a huge obstacle that ruined everything, we never attempted to start a relationship again. However, whenever we talked it felt like we were in a relationship and I tried so hard to not go to that place I was before. I went back to zimbabwe for holiday, it was a surprise and I guess he was surprised. The first time I saw him I fell in love again just like the first time in primary school when he was just a crush. I refused to hug him cause I was afraid I wouldn’t let him go. We talked on the phone mostly about the past, it was sad to reminisce over it. Eventually we went on an outing (it was a date in my mind lol). We went cinema then walked around a lot in town and I didn’t want to go home. I just felt so at peace being with him that I never thought of anything else but that moment was everything to me. (Am in getting watery just thinking about it) Back to the matter, the last day of my holiday he stayed with me all afternoon getting my hair done and we just talked like there was no tomorrow. It was finally time to say goodbye to him and I cried (thank God it was in the dark lol). We hugged for what seemed like a compensation for the years we were not going to see each other again. We made a future pact that we would countdown 4 years then we get back together. Now we got 3more years to go. I guess LOVE is making up for what DISTANCE tried to destroy time and time again…